LOSING YOUR IDENTITY IN RETIREMENT

[BETTY FITTERMAN]

I've been traveling around the country and meeting lots of retirees, and the thing that strikes me is how retirement tends to make one anonymous. When you're no longer identified by your job title, how do you define yourself in the social structure? Would love to hear from others on the subject. Betty http://adventuresinthebettybus.blogspot.com/2008/10/i-used-to-be-president.html

[Boomer1]

Great comment and story. It took me more than a year after I retired to start feeling a little more comfortable with what i am doing. In my case many local people knew about my previous job so i could sense their curiosity about why i retired at age 58. But then it dawned on me that I really have started a new business, so i am not retired. Or more correctly, retired from one job, now in another. The point is i was confused myself - and unsure about the best way to portray my situation. "I am retired....but."

Slowly this whole thing gets a little less confusing.
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[Simbakins]

This is a timely subject for me to respond to and also see what others are saying. I have about 360 days to go until I can retire (250 actual work days if you exclude weekends and holidays...but who's counting!)

Since my husband retired 5 years ago (yep, there is about a 16 year age difference between us), he has kept up some communications with folks that retired around the same time he did as well as some who are still working and they routinely get together for lunch. It's a good mix so that the discussion is balanced between those still whining about work and those talking about activities post-retirement. It also gives the retirees a chance to catch up on what's happened since they left and see that it's usually the "same old same old." He attends alumni luncheons with fellow retirees and those who have retired but are still "working." He was also still getting calls for consulting work for a couple of years after retirement so that people could pick his brain about topics related to his field. So, I think that because of all of these activities and the fact that I'm not retired yet, has aided in his transition from big boss to big retiree. Over the years, he has developed his own routine now.

When we meet new people and they ask what he does, he simply says "I'm Retired." The odd thing is that because he looks quite young for his age, they almost demand to see his driver's license to verify his age. Maybe that's what happens when you marry a younger woman! He loves it!

But one thing is definite. Life has changed for him since he retired and his focus is much different than while he worked...of course it would be. But, I worry about this for him because he doesn't have many hobbies outside of loving to read the newspaper front to back doing all the chores around the house. He's up with current events and we disucss those etc....but, because I still work, I'm tired when I get home and not up to a lot of chit chat...I have to continually remind myself that he needs this time to talk as much as I need the downtime...so there are some good discussions but then there are some where I'm not really focused on what he's saying...and he DOES notice that. His identity is now revolved around worrying about me and the stress of the job as well as his own health issues. I'm am continually hounding him about getting out and searching for some other interests. I know that he is anxious for my retirement to get here so that we can do things together which he loves and I would love to be able to tackle all the projects he wants to do and wants to do WITH me, but I tell him it will just have to wait until my retirement!

[JesseRay]

Having never defined myself by my job, this has not been an issue at all for me.

I have found that most of the retired folks I know, are more interested in what you are doing now, than what you were doing to get here.

At some point of course the question comes up (though it is not one that I usually ask.) and if they have the patience, I have a lifetime of various careers I have endured that they can hear about.

Personally I am more interested in the person than the resume.

JR

[mejask]

This is a very interesting topic. Here are some thoughts.

I think you begin to learn a lot about yourself if you struggle to define your identity within a social structure because you no longer have a job. It certainly shows how Americans tend to use work or our position at work as the basis to begin defining who we are. I have certainly experienced this and beyond the comment that 'you're to young to be retired' it also apparently leaves others at a loss at what to say next.

I think this is ok though and have found that it forces you and others into territories that ultimately end up more interesting and more about who you really are versus what you did. Of course, your work experiences are a big portion of your life so they will become part of the discussion but they don't end up being the only or main thing that describes you. As uncomfortable as it is at first, I think it becomes refreshing and begins to help us know the whole person which ends up being a much richer discussion and potential association.

[BETTY FITTERMAN]

Interesting comments, all. And they cover a wide range of feelings on the subject. I wonder what question you ask someone after "What town are you from?" ...

[Boomer1]

I think Betty is on to something with "what is the second question you ask someone". The reality is that what did you do before you retired is frequently my second question.

I also like Jesse Ray's comments that what the person is doing today can be as interesting as what they might have done in the past. Certainly it's lots more interesting than someone who can't move on from yesterday into a worthwhile present.
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[Cparkinson]

hello all,
I find this is a very interesting topic as so many of us went through life identifying who we are with our jobs. I know we are told to keep them separate and develop outside interests----easier said than done!

I think meditation and self discovery can help in this area, give you a sense of identity at least to yourself that you are happy with.

I am not quite there yet, so I do not know if this is going to work for me!


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[Steve55+]

I find this one very helpful as i am all set to retire February next year, these ideas and comments would be very helpful!