Retired Men’s Greatest Health Risk? We Bet You Can’t Guess It

I have always had a "man cave". And in retirement I will have a man cave! I like to build, and have always invited the guys to stop in. It is a great place to be away from the women folk, watch TV, and hang out with my buddies from work. Once I retire I will have to gather new buddies who appreciate the same things in life. May even turn it into a second income building tables, chairs. shelves... I certainly will have the time.

You finally have hit on the big problem. All the men, and I do mean all the men I have met, do not know how to be friendly. I moved after I retired and thought I would have chances to talk and visit. Everyone stays to themselves or is at best a One Way talker. Me just being the listener. It is not just finding someone to 'hang with', but finding someone who has some of the same thoughts about life, the same back ground. The guys I have met do not want to spend time with a other guy unless that other guy has two, three interests that match up with theirs. Everyone runs every day and does not have the time nor the need to make friends. Other men are set in their ways, (their way of thoughts) and do not care to listen to a different thought. If a guy like me just wants to talk, they are not interested, guys are doers. They want to go boating, hunting, look for gold. If you live in a desert it is way too hot for such things. I know about ' you need to join something' but again that is not as easy as that sounds. I go to the event and find everyone has not changed, they are still the same people, you have to follow them in what they want to do or forget it. No one is nice and thinks about how it would be for the other guy. Start out with just a long talk, find something you both would like, not a ' I do this, do you want to come?'.

I have found that meetup.com can be helpful in getting you into groups of interest to you where you may be able to find people you can develop good friendships with. It does take a bit of courage to sign up for an interest group and then go to it, but part of making new friends is being a little assertive in trying to find them.

Orin hits a great point. If you want to have friends you have to be a good listener. Although us guys don't have a monopoly on being bad listeners, we do seem to have a controlling interest. It is interesting to monitor myself in a conversation - did I ever ask the other person questions about their world, or was the whole conversation strictly about me, me, me? Other people want a chance to tell their stories and feel looked after too. Thanks to Orin, Clyde, and William D for your great comments/suggestions.

Some of us retired career women have the same problems as mentioned by the men who commented on this article! I go on some hiking, bird-watching and kayaking outings with several local meetups but find that most of the folks on them have brought someone else along to keep them company on the outing and are not interested in sharing with a newcomer. Yes, I'm an introvert as well. I guess I'll have to spend more time at the one senior center for active retirees in our large area, although it's quite a round-trip drive from where I live in Jacksonville, FL. Then there's a Southside Newcomers Club meeting on the first Monday of the month that I'm looking forward to trying in September after moving here over a year ago. It takes time...

Not sure I understand the problem. Being alone all the time would be difficult, but if you enjoy your spouse then I see no problem. Throughout my life I have always heard how important it is to have friends, but I am happiest when I have no commitments, the complete freedom to do as I please, and a general interest in learning. I like to fly fish, alone. I like to walk, alone. I enjoy birdwatching, alone. I surf the net, alone. Of course when my wife is available I enjoy walking, talking and doing with her. I retired a couple of years ago, and my wife is still working. I spend about 50% of my time by myself, and I am quite comfortable with that. I have never had real close friends, but I do enjoy going to dinner with our neighbors once in awhile. I e-mail my brother every month or so, and I keep in touch with my friend from the old workplace, but otherwise I have no other friends. As a kid, and as an adult, I never understood the psychology of telling people they needed friends. I often wondered who was behind the advice being given, lonely psychiatrists, I suppose. I am happy as a clam! Without my wife I probably would be lonely, but I meet people and chat when I am outside walking, at the store, in the neighborhood, etc. If I find myself too alone one day I suppose I will just talk to my family and neighbors a bit more often. Have a nice day!

I agree Sara. This problem is shared by both genders. I am still working. But I have been part of a once a month Bunco night for 12 years. After all that time I still feel like many of these women have never developed the listening skill. They constantly talk over and interupt others. I enjoy the get together but often feel like an observer as I hate fighting to be heard so I just end up listening rather than speaking.
I plan on retiring to a "retirement community" and volunteering and joining some clubs in hopes of finding even one good friend!

My quick suggestion is, if you can afford it, to relocate to a planned development with activities in which you are interested. I write about golf communities, but most communities of some size (a few hundred homes or more) will offer plenty of other social activities where you can't help but meet people. Many of these communities are likely to be near where you live now, but if you find yourself interested in relocating to another state -- say in the Southeast -- be assured that people will be friendly because they recall what it felt like when they were the new kids on the block. If you have to stay in your current home, then volunteer for a local social welfare or other organization. You'll do good for the community...and for yourself. There really is no excuse for anyone who wants human contact not to have it.

Has this always been a problem that people talk at you not with you or am I just noticing it now? For years I thought it was a woman thing bragging about their children but I notice men do it now too. I don't know that this is just a male problem anymore. Between being busy working and raising a family I didn't really have too much time or energy to devote to making lots of friends. The ones I had relocated. I am joining a book club and a woman's club. Now that I have time I plan to get involved doing work at the church too.

I have collected quotes and one I got from a friend years ago (he just turned 80) I like: "Friendships need to be exercised frequently". We just celebrated the 50th Anniversary of the San Francisco Ski Club I joined in 1969. Friends from those early days have hiked, backpacked, skied, traveled the world together and enjoyed each others hospitality at annual July 4th, post-Christmas and other gatherings.

My problem with the area where I live is level of education of neighbors. I was transferred by the company I worked for to this dismal area. I am a divorced man with custody of my young daughter. I worked a lot and never had time for meeting, or getting to know my neighbors. When I retired, I decided to get to know those in my community. I did get a real shock. Most drink, or use drugs most of the time. Most if not all are blue collar, former truck drivers, or factory workers. I have several 4 year, college degrees. In short, the only thing I have in common is fishing. If you can't talk fishing, the conversation ends. I really need to move.

This subject is right on and one thing that is not mentioned is the internet. It can create friendships but avoid meeting. Typing instead of talking takes the fright out of face to face, but it is obviously not the same. I have always had a few very good friends, but with age comes death, and my best friends are gone. Starting over is ok but it takes a lot of effort, and with the political divisions we have now, often new friendships last as long as Trump's tweets!

I see the problem. I've never been a particularly outgoing person, have worked hard and like gardening and reading which are pretty solitary activities. Hubby and I travel a lot in our retirement and mostly keep each other company. But now, we have a very nice and active group of friends who like to play tennis and pickleball when we're in town and we have made it a point to have the group over as often as we can. It's against our solitary natures and sometimes we grump about being the only ones who do the inviting. We make it easy on ourselves by having heavy appetizer potluck events on our outdoor patio to which everyone brings what they want to drink and we provide a BBQ, some cups and plates and plastic ware and a trash bag. Everyone loves the get togethers and usually other neighbors stop by and chat and munch as well. I guess what I'm saying is that if you want a friend, be a friend and go out on a limb a little to become the hub of your own life.
Good luck everyone and be more than yourself.

I was in the same situation. I'm a single woman and still working, but moved to a new state, where I had no family or friends for a job. I realized that being isolated was detrimental and used meetup groups to get to know people. I made a friend within a few months, but it did take a couple of years and two or three meetup groups to make a circle of friends. Eventually I also made very good friends at work as well. And I must say that it was worth the effort because now I have a circle of very wonderful friends. I also am an introvert. When I was married my husband was an extrovert so we had a wonderful social life because of him. I realized that without him I really had to make the effort myself to meet people and make friends. I've talked to several other women in the meetup groups and it does seem that frequently people are friendly within the group, but it never carries over to a personal friendship outside of the group.
I have been dating a man for two years whom I also met in a meetup group and I have noticed that, like the subject of the article, he does not have a circle of personal friends. He has acquaintances in the meetup and other groups to which he belongs, but no friends. I've told him that I think he needs to make a circle of male friends (yes, I would find it awkward if he had close female friends) and believe he would benefit greatly from it. He is retired, and though he stays busy, I can see he would benefit from male companionship.

The problem is not at all unique to men. It is a problem for all older single people. I think it goes with the age. This is a mobile society now and there are so many of us who divorced late in life or were widowed that having life long friendships has become rare. I divorced late in life and then moved to a new state and though I made friends after awhile, they have all since moved to different retirement spots or to be near their children. Even though I now live in an over 55 gated community, it is primarily couples and the married or coupled women are not very welcoming of a single woman and they sure don't want their men to be friendly to a woman! So, I find myself fairly alone and will move out of this community into a more multigenerational setting, possibly an apartment in a city. Loneliness is part of aging when you are living alone.

I'm with Mark on this one. I had a fulfilling, enjoyable professional career that involved constant interaction with people of all types. Retired now and I am shocked by how little I miss it and how happy I am to read and putter around and have the alone time. Yup, married, work precluded socializing for us. Closet introverts anyway, can't wait to have my husband join me in retirement.
Have family, one very dear friend who suffered (uncomplaing) through years of rescheduling lunches and outings due to work. Also in a weekly dinner /Bible study group with neighbors that I've floated in and out of for 15 years, depending on work. We will be moving but I have no concerns about meeting people. I know how to if I need to but generally am not concerned about it.

Maimi,
I agree the problem is greater for older single people but some happily married long-term couples also have the problem . We are married 47 years and are each other's best friend. We were both driven in our careers and spent most weekends catching up on chores and just enjoying each other's company . I remember once my sister said that "you two spend entirely too much time together" . Now that we are both retired I realize that we don't have a "Circle of friends". We are very good friends with one couple but just learned they are moving away. When we are in FL for 5-6 months I go to the book clubs, happy hour pool gatherings and we have a great time and meet people but as Miami said it never turns into a personal relationship outside the group. I have volunteered at the airport for 10 years and I have a lot of acquaintances from that but not friends to do things with. I notice when in FL that the people who do things together beyond the one off gatherings met and became friendly in a shared interest such as golf or boating. I realize we created this ourselves as we went thru our careers but it is very hard to solve once retired; nevertheless, working on it.

Carol, a lot of what you said applies to me and my husband. We have been married for 44 years, had no children and we are best friends too! We had one very long relationship with another couple. They were in our wedding and we in theirs. They didn't have children for about 10 years then had two in a row. That was the beginning of the end. We stayed friendly for about 4-5 more years but then they had new friends with children. Our lifestyles were no longer compatible. Now their children are all grown up and they are grandparents now. We run into each other once in a while and that is it. Since that relationship, we have not had any 'friends'. All our friends were work friends and once we retired or in my case, given a severance package, the work friends are gone too. We are both a bit introverted and neither of us have hobbies or clubs we belong to. I would be interested in what meetup groups Maureen belongs to. I have looked at some in my area and so far have not found a group that appeals to me. Some are located pretty far away from me too.

If you think it's tough for older married men to make new friends, try being an UNmarried older man. I am a youthful 75 year old man, and as men go, I'm pretty open to casual conversation. Thankfully, I do have one male friend, who I've known for a long time, who will call me just to chew the fat for an hour or so. His calls and our conversations are one of the few bright spots in an otherwise pretty isolated life. What I do want more than anything, is to find a compatible single woman to marry [again!] I love friends; but there is no substitute, for me, at least, for a loving lifelong companion. I'd give anything to find someone, and I've looked a long time, spending way too much time looking at dating sites. The loneliness that I do feel really drags me down....I sure hope someone turns up, for both of us, soon...before it's too late!

It's true, and here is another reason not mentioned. Hearing loss. It a quiet place with one or two people within a couple of feet I do ok. In the typical social setting it's not. Hearing aids amplifi everything so in those same social settings, like parties, restaurants, etc. the noise drowns out the voices of the people I'm with. In retirement I had planned on volunteering to do trail work in our parks, but spinal injuries came up that prevented that. I then realized that the hearing problem prevents volunteering in other things too as you do need to be able to hear the people. I have discovered that when you tell people you are hard of hearing and ask them to repeat what they said and speak louder they do repeat, but not any louder so I still don't know what they said. I guess they're embarrassed to speak loud lol! It seems my two most spoken words are "what?" and "hah?". I've also discovered that most people don't like to keep repeating themselves so I've learned to nod, say uh-huh now and then but really don't know what the conversation is about. So I'm really glad I love to read, and I dread the holidays :o

I am with Mark on this one! After a successful military career retiring as an O6, and a successful civilian career in federal law enforcement---I am enjoying my 4th childhood -- alone! And I still have my wife, kids and my dog. I am planning a solitary Appalachian Trail hike next year, and a solitary mountain bike ride of the Continental Divide Mountain Bike Trail the following year. I almost feel guilty how much I enjoy avoiding the phone and the incessant invites from prior colleagues! Food for thought though....solitary thought!

Got to say that I agree with Mark and Gary (Aug. 30 & 31 comments). My parents encouraged a sense of independence during my youth and, as a result, I embraced the difference in being "alone" vs. "lonely." Therefore, I've always tried to balance socialization with solitude; although, I've got to admit to enjoying "solitude" just a wee bit more ;)

For all the married people who think they share the problem of loneliness, I just want to say you really don't understand the plight of single older people if you think the issues are at all comparable. They are not. I am willing to bet that not many of you married couples would think of spending a Saturday evening with a single woman or man. Couples associate with couples and most people are coupled. I learned that very quickly after I got divorced. Older singles must take care of everything alone, including taking care of yourself and your home when you are sick. Not an easy existence, and not at all comparable. I have now seen both worlds and there is just no comparison to the issues.

Maimi, I agree and will add one other problem of being an older single. If a couple does invite you it is usually the wife who does and it's often because she is trying to set you up with someone lol! Yes this also goes on when you are young, but then you may be more open to what people call a relationship. It seems women who are part of a couple can't imagine someone who prefers to be single and when they find out you do they think you are weird and now ignore you. At this point in life all I want is someone with whom I can occasionally have a good conversation. Not looking to be a couple.
Other things. I've lived a life of outdoor adventures, hunting, fishing, living on boats, traveling. I lost the male friends I had when young due to them getting married and having children. I will have to admit I was the one that gave up, but it was because I got tired of wives calling me yelling that their husband was a family man now and has responsibilities. I think they saw me as a threat, reminding their husbands of the free life they lost. There have been books, magazine articles and studies on this. It gets labeled the baby trap. Many men take to it. Many don't resulting in unhappy marriages, devorces and child support checks. Point here is that as a person who never had children I can't relate to social get togethers where everyone is talking about their children and grandchildren.
Can't join a church, I'm agnostic. I've found the religious don't like that.
Being a doer instead of an armchair sportsman I never had an interest in watching football, etc. on tv. So most men don't get me either.
So just like it's easier to be alone than with the wrong person, it's easier to be alone than trying to fit into groups where you have nothing in common.
I think the thing about old people like me is that we thought we would always be able to live the life we loved. It didn't occur to us that we would get old LOL!!

Bob, I would suggest you go to Google and put in Meet Ups and your area code. Then look for a group that might interest you. There are many outdoor groups such as fishing, hiking, kayaking and I am sure much, much more. I am not an outdoorsy person so that is not my thing. You might find some guys and gals that share your interests. One group in my area is an L. L. Bean Outdoor group. History Hikers, Outdoor Fitness Fun and some actually need moderators to lead the group and plan the activities. Check it out. If you just join a group like a hiker group just to lurk and learn what makes it work, you could join or moderate your own group.

Maimi, Meet Ups might be something for you too. It isn't all just outdoors stuff, there are crafts, music stuff, book clubs, yoga, wine trail, on and on...check it out!

Bob, this is for you and any other agnostics out there who don't think they can join a church to find friends and community. I'm an agnostic, yet have been happily involved in a church for 35 years. The Unitarian Universalists (UU's) welcome agnostics, as well as those who come from a Christian, Jewish, Buddhist, etc., background, as well as those who have no theistic beliefs at all. It is especially welcoming to single and divorced people of all ages. Its religious positions are moderate to liberal, and most members are along those lines politically. I'm not advertising for the UU's because we are generally not a proselytizing organization. Just stating that some people who may feel a bit lonely and are looking for a spiritual community may want to check out a UU congregation. Locations and information can be found at UUA.org.

For Bob Simmons: I'm new to online dating sites and wondered if you would be so kind as to share your experience with them and advice on how most effectively to use them. Thanks!