Module 5: Overcoming Loneliness and Making Friends in Retirement
Category: Health and Wellness Issues
March 23, 2019 — This is the 5th module in our “Retirement Preparation 101” online course. The social aspects of retirement was one of most frequently requested topics for the series. Here is where you can see all of the Modules and all the Member suggestions for the course.
Here is a sample suggestion which led to this Module:
Katie: Loneliness in retirement. Whether single, divorced or widowed, loneliness is something that many of us will face as we retire from our work lives. Many of us spent our lives with people at work and any free time with spouses, children or other family. Friendships may have been with neighbors, our kids’ friends’ families, spouse’s work friends, etc. With retirement and a loss of the people around us, retirees can find themselves alone. Surely there are other good ideas and stories from people who have gone through this.
Overview – one step at a time
One short article cannot possibly address all the strategies or be a magic bullet to solving the problem of feeling alone. We encourage you to to view these tips as something to experiment with. A lifetime of habits cannot not be overcome in a day or a week or a month, but if you gradually apply some of these ideas in your daily life you just might be able to make a difference. Here we go:
Singles vs. married couples. A later module in this series will specifically address loneliness for singles. But we firmly believe that the strategies presented here are useful no matter what your state – single or married.
Comments on "Module 5: Overcoming Loneliness and Making Friends in Retirement"
Fionna says:
I have found that so many women in my book club monopolize our discussions by going on about “off point” topics and generally trying to monopolize conversations. I think I need to find another group...
I also try to steer clear of “needy” people (aka “energy vampires!”)
Holly says:
We moved from the SE to the NE (where we knew no one) but before we did, I reached out online! We took a trip beforehand and through a knitting website, one woman and her husband took us to lunch and drove us all around the city, pointing out things to do. We met her knitting group and they all recommended the most amazing Realtor who worked with us a couple of years before we made the actual move.
That Realtor introduced us to a network of contractors - including our mover - to help us update our new, old, house that needed some things done on a budget . Once we settled in, I joined a group at the local municipal building that meets weekly to knit. They turned out to be wonderfully welcoming and not clich-y at all. A nearby library held a Textile Day and I found several other groups to join. Husband joined the church and from there has gotten involved in a once-a-month soup kitchen volunteer group as well as some phone work for the local AARP group. Our electrician is involved with the local Veterans group - that is our next opportunity.
We are overwhelmed with the opportunities here and it is hard to choose! The internet has been a fantastic tool! We are able to converse online and ask questions before stepping out and meeting in person. We have even made some new friends through THIS site!
Bruce says:
I will also caution folks to keep expanding your circle of friends. I noticed as we made visits and now in a wonderful community, that as you make friends, you may become a bit clicky and exclude others from activities or conversation.
Rich D says:
"How to Win Friends and Influence People" was written by Dale Carnegie. Norman Vincent Peale wrote "The Power of Positive Thinking".
Editor's comment. Oops, that was a terrible mistake, especially since we linked right to the actual book with the author's name staring us in the face! Thanks for the correction, now made. Norman Vincent Peale's book is another good one.
Jean says:
Holly, You're experience networking and using the internet to spark the network is wonderful. Admin, would it be possible to have a directory that lists (voluntarily) members by state/town and maybe email?
ljtucson says:
Some observations from being in an active adult community 20 years - echoing much from this article:
1. You don't need to be fast best friends - great friendships are cultivated. 2. If you are in a well established community, sometimes it is easier to seek out other "new residents". 3. Try some things that don't require a big commitment - a scheduled day trip, a book club, a fitness class, monthly social foodie group. 4. The community does not come to you, have an open house for your block and invite them in - could be coffee & donuts or cocktails & appetizers. 5. Active adult communities need volunteers - there are little jobs and big jobs. You can contribute and meet others. 6. Yes, drop most of the chatting about your career and accomplishments! A little is good.
It is a process and well worth the effort!
Kathleen Maruszewski says:
I was worried about the prospect of making new friends when we started our snow birding adventure, worried if we would make more than acquaintances. The absolute and easiest key to the puzzle is moving into a new community where everyone wants to make new friends. I know all cannot do this, but if you can consider it, it is a godsend. We have more friends, not just neighbors than I would ever have imagined. And yes, you must have a personality that makes you open to new experiences. Also, the worst turn off, is someone who just wants to talk about thrmselves or wants to impress. Don’t do this. Don’t try too hard. Take advantage of arranged gatherings. Go out on a limb. It happens in Florida so easily. That’s why we moved here. If you don’t feel that vibe, trust your instincts
Linda says:
We don't live in a 'planned' 50+ community but did move to an area that has a very high percentage of boomer-aged residents. Add on the fact that our small, semi-rural California county has a warm, welcoming vibe so making new friends just hasn't been nearly as challenging as we anticipated. We have avoided cliques, large group commitments and people who have needs more intense than we can meet. We've opted to take our time and make individual friendships that we hope will grow over time. For us, it's quality over quantity.
Matthew Asai says:
My wife and I used meetup.com to find social groups which like to get together for lunch or coffee. I have found several photo groups through Meetup.com both in Virginia and Utah. Look for your interest groups in your area through Meetup.com.
I have met many friends through volunteering at Snow Mtn Ranch in Colorado.
Since I enjoy cycling I volunteer at the Bicycle Collective that refurbishes bikes and donates them to needy adults and kids. I have learned a lot about fixing bikes and it keeps me busy and met a lot of people.
Amy L Chizen says:
We moved from CT to NC last year. We went to the local library the first week we were here to get library cards and pick up info on their programs. We also happened to pick up a rack card on Newcomers of Catawba Valley and went to their next meeting. What a wonderful, friendly, helpful and resourceful group! Without them I'm not sure we would have any friends here yet. We have been invited to outings, included for holidays, been given names of RE Agents, doctors, and generally included on all levels. Check out your area for a Newcomers group!
Admin says:
We just read a very interesting article from the Atlantic about the troubles successful people often experience in retirement. The theme is "The Hero's Journey", and explores how heroes (that would be you) retire from the fray and find themselves rudderless. One of his best examples is King David, who goes from giant killer and King of the Jews to a lustful old man in disgrace. It is a good read. https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2020/05/what-the-heros-journey-teaches-about-happy-retirement/611194/
Maimi says:
Admin, thank you for the article. I can relate to this, not that I view myself as a giant killer. I was a career driven woman who raised a child alone. I truly did not have much time to cultivate real friendships outside of work. Weekends were a frenzy of the normal childhood activities and writing legal briefs. Now with this pandemic, the challenges with loneliness feel insurmountable. The state I live in has been on stay at home orders for 2 months now. This situation is not going to end soon and because I am a cancer survivor and a senior citizen even when the order is lifted, I can’t chance going to public places. This pandemic is a real challenge for single seniors and it is not the time to cultivate new friendships. Zoom meetings just aren’t the same as socializing with people. I thought I would be traveling and having fun with friends. Now, I keep asking myself what is next?
Mark says:
Maimi and others,
I know what you mean. I had a very active career and was widowed 15 years ago when my kids were pre-teens. I raised them as my priority and still managed to have a good career. Well, now the kids are grown and I would go out on my own, travel and such.
Except for the telemarketers and the daily check-up calls from my kids, there's no social life. the 'married friends' immediately dropped out of site after my wife's passing. That's the down side of living in a heavily married area.
I guess the social psychology was like Noah's ark -- 2x2's and 'Sorry...no single accomodations!' H'mmm -- I wonder if the Single Supplement that cruise ships started there.
Anyway, yes, it sucks being alone. That's why I wonder if those living in 55+ communities do have neighbors that do take the time to check-in on each other or not?
I feel sorry for the younger, single people in the years ahead, should the scars from this virus be:
- Keep your distance (No dancing? No high fives? No interaction?)
- No touching, hugging, stay inside
- Wear a mask
How are people to meet? Socialize? Interact? I'm for science, but quarantine can't be the sole answer. People are meant to interact, socialize, raise some heck! That's also in our DNA.
Like I said, if that's the future. I feel genuinely sorry for our future generations.
Mary11 says:
We have lived in 2 55+ communities. I'd say most of the people that live there kinda do watch out for each other. If you are a single person you really need to check on percentages of ages of people that currently live there. My husband and I were much younger than most so we didn't fit into the cliques of people who would spend time together. Everyone's different though....Some people arent interested in cliques. So we just got together with people during the community get togethers.
Admin says:
Our friends over at Retirmenthumor have written a very useful column on coping with leaving old friends in retirement
https://www.retirementhumor.net/