Husband’s Ego Nose Dives After Retirement
Category: Health and Wellness Issues
September 21, 2019 — Our friend and long-time Member Ed Lafreniere was kind enough to send us some of the articles he has written for his new website, RetirementHumor.net. They take the form of a funny, but pertinent question, and an equally amusing but useful answer. We chose this particularly useful one as a great follow-up to our recent article on “How Different Retirement is from Every Other Lifestage”. Meanwhile, you might enjoy Ed’s lighthearted approach to retirement over at his site! Thanks Ed.
Dear Sage:
My husband retired six months ago and is experiencing a huge void in his social life now that he’s no longer working. He misses the lunches, the camaraderie, and, I believe, the respect and status. Over 45 years of work in the auto industry, his ego grew like a balloon – not a massive Macy’s parade-sized balloon, but one that was of reasonable and respectable size. Now it’s been punctured and he’s feeling deflated. We have moved to Florida and he has a lot of time to reflect, since all the distracting tasks involved in a 1,400-mile move have ended. He’s getting more than a little down, as if he’s been abruptly cut off from his known world, and his disappointment is driving me nuts, though I try my best to be understanding and supportive. He calls former co-workers, or emails them, but they often don’t respond. And when they do, the replies seem politely perfunctory, and hubby senses (correctly, I think) that he’s being patronized more than a little bit – they’ll treat the old codger with due dignity given his long tenure, but that’s about it. Short of my sticking a bicycle pump in his ear and blowing his ego back up, how can we get him out of this funk?
Frustrated in Florida
Dear Frustrated:
First of all, The Sage would not recommend a bicycle pump, as you can readily purchase an air pump made for the express purpose of blowing up balloons. But you don’t really want to risk an invasion of your home by OSHA inspectors arriving with sirens blaring after you misuse portable power equipment, do you?
Your husband’s issue is far from unique. Post-career adjustment difficulties are common, especially for those who have not planned for change in their social lives and who instead have assumed that as soon as they leave their retirement party, they will put that chapter behind them and proceed head-first into retirement as if cliff-diving in Acapulco. Problem is, many people don’t know how to swim in these new waters, let alone land safely.
Comments on "Husband’s Ego Nose Dives After Retirement"
Daryl says:
Great article. I first misread the phrase “post-career adjustment difficulties are common” as “post career adjustment FACILITIES are common,” and thought Yay! Where? Could have used one of those as a freshman orientation for retirement. All the recent newbies throwing frisbees on the quad while we make new friends and learn the ropes for the new chapters ahead. Do these exist somewhere? Our local senior center had a much more sedentary crowd than I expected, and the spouse’s retired employees summer picnic consisted of 3 hours of indoor bingo. Thankfully we found some life at the Silver Sneakers circuit classes where we have fun with like-minded souls. Takes a while to find your tribe.
Ed LaFreniere says:
Preparing psychologically and emotionally for retirement is vitally important, in addition to financial budgeting. You are so right, Daryl, that there are few, if any, formal Retirement 101 courses to teach you how to navigate the sea of choices, opportunities and challenges that you may face as you leave the workforce and perhaps create a new identity for yourself. What will your new mission be? What will jazz you enough to make you want to fly out of bed in the morning? Will you and your spouse find retirement a 20- or 30-year relaxing party (as few do)? Or will you – as happens with so many couples – need to make relationship adjustments as you find yourselves within the same four walls together in, um, loving harmony, perhaps for the first extended time period ever? Additional stress may result from a major move to a different part of the country unless you have visited it extensively, lived in it for weeks or months, and found peers, activities, attractions and lifestyles that make you feel right at home.
Planning and research are crucial, as topretirements.com has demonstrated so often in its blogs and reader comments.
Here’s to hoping that we are all informed enough to make suitable choices.
Oh, and don’t forget your sense of humor!
Marjie says:
Thank you for this article. My husband planned to continue working another 15 years despite being gently told that probably wasn’t feasible A year ago he was forced into retiring with 6 months notice at age 70. His last 6 months at work were filled with fear and anger. He focused on one activity to occupy his retirement with some breaks for an old hobby. It’s been difficult to adjust to having him around all the time, awake at very early hours and napping during the day. He’s acting older than he is and I’m concerned.
Jini says:
Thanks for the humorous - and honest! - article. Have to admit, I'd LOVE it if my hubby found some additional activities outside of the home, giving us both some space and something new to talk about when we're together! I keep busy with golf, exercise classes, book clubs, gardening, luncheons, movies with girlfriends, etc. while his main activity besides occasional golf is sitting at the computer. No interest in exploring our new locale or in traveling (a big surprise to me!! :-().
Husbands of the world, take note! Get out and find fun things to do! Stay interested and interesting!
Ed LaFreniere says:
You are so right, JINI!!!
To MARJIE: Are your figures correct -- your husband is 70 and wanted to work until 85? Good heavens, is he Superman? If he has an aversion to kryptonite, that could be a sign.
There is quite a bit of research about workers who have been pushed out of work earlier than their desired retirement time. They may identify so closely with work in terms of their self-worth, self-image, sense of purpose, social life and other factors that they become depressed. Some may require counseling. Retirement itself may raise the odds of depression by as much as 40%, and it could presumably be even higher if workers are forced out after giving their lives to their job. Here is one link to a succinct article about depression in forced-out workers:
https://www.addiction.com/3872/forced-retirement-increased-risk-depression/
Good luck in getting Dear Hubby on his feet and enjoying a healthy perspective on the opportunities that retirement offers, rather than seething and focusing on the past and on what he views is unfair, uncalled-for mistreatment that he can do nothing about. He is far from alone, and hopefully he can learn to let go.